Here’s to friendship…

On the day of my mom’s birthday celebration, my gay friend and I were talking in text about what to do for that night. I said to ask our other friends if they are available and maybe we can hang out in their house. Then I didn’t reply because I got busy with picking up our family friends that don’t have a car and setting up the stuff at the place.

Then I texted him randomly, Hey we are here now. Come. I was thinking he couldn’t come because when I asked him before he said he didn’t want to. I just asked him to see maybe he changed his mind.

He replied, I thought that was dinner. 

I said, no lunch! 

Then he replied, Nvm. Mom cooked.

I got really annoyed so I said, Aw really? So mean.

I invited you a long time ago.

Arte mo. You always want to hang out with your socialite friends.

Daya mo.

This is more important than partying with your friends. family and friends get together.

He replied, Gaga. I really thought it was dinner. That’s why I asked what time because after, we go with friends later

I said, We are still here. Bilisan mo.

San ba mamaya.

Hoy

He said, Wala. Di sure. No reply from them. hays.

Then later at night, he said he’s gonna follow us at our friend’s house. An hour later, our friend S called him. In the phone call, he said he’s doing something. Then someone in the background said, Hes sucking my dick! Then S laughed and said, HAHAH. Suck him harder and get over here.

Then I texted him, Asan ka na. We starting.

Bilisan mo.

You’re missing out.

Our other friend called him and we realized he wasn’t coming anymore. I texted him, Gaga. You chose friends over a random guy? 

Messed out

Up*.

Now I texted him all these, drunk. LOL. I didn’t realize it until I am writing this now. I got home around 3am and I got a reply from him saying, SO!!!???

THEN, me being drunk, I got all heated up and started saying stuff in the phone POLITELY. Then he would reply RUDELY. It got me thinking HARD. I was already drunk and I was trying to understand what was going on exactly. I finally realized that maybe it wasn’t him but his friend who likes to use his cellphone and talk shit to me. So that friend and I kept going at it in text. I was all calm while the other was not. Then I got a message saying, it wasnt me. sorry minumura ko na sila. But it was already too late. My gay friend said, I got mad at you also because I felt really uninvited at that party… etc. (Before I kept reminding him about it and one time he said disgustingly that he didn’t want to go to a buffet and that he might have plans with other people.) I knocked out.

Then later that day when I sobered up.. I looked back at the exchanged messages then I replied saying stuff about our friendship wasn’t true to him, that I should let go of our friendship because he chose those friends, etc. I was crying the whole time I was telling him things. I didn’t want to lose him, but if he is happy with his gay friends and they can’t can’t accept our friendship, I would let him go. Then he replied things like he puts me in the forever friend file list and we are still gonna be friends no matter what. Hala sige Oh my, I cried like a river this time. He said he admits that he hasn’t been giving me his attention as a friend and that he spent so much time with them, etc. Sige I cried even more. Baha na It’s a flood now.

A couple of days later, he texted, U still mad.

I replied, check your fb.

I told him things about how I feel. Other than our misunderstanding it led to me and his friend, D. He and I had a misunderstanding in our first meeting and this person kept a grudge on me since then. We never saw each other either since that incident either. I told my gay friend that everything will completely be okay once his friends apologizes about sabotaging our friendship. He said he already told his friend about it and his friend hasn’t done anything about it yet… Right now, I deleted my gay friend in his first account in fb and his second account already blocked me even before I get to delete his first account. I just told him about this blocking issue and he said it wasn’t him and that I blocked him. I told him to check his block list and maybe his friend D, blocked me. He didn’t reply anymore

This happened yesterday and I’ll write it like it’s today:

I am almost done with the paper fans. The whole day yesterday, I spent my day trying to finish it. I have 3 or more to go. On Friday night, after work, I hung out with two of my guy friends. I feel comfortable more hanging out or taking with guys than girls, that’s why sometimes my boyfriend gets jealous or a girlfriend gets jealous. Girls are like competitive with each other. Always wanting to be prettier than the other or they’re too girly for my taste of girl friends. I’m sorry, but I don’t intend to flirt with anyone other than my boyfriend, let alone steal someone’s bf. Anyway, we went to Starbucks to catch up. I ordered strawberries and creme frappucino. I wasn’t feeling any coffee. After that, we got a little hungry and ate at Tommy’s, in the same street as Starbucks. I ordered chili cheese fries. It was alright. I got food poisoning there before when I ate the chili cheese dog. I threw up and just felt bad. I knew it was that because the other food that I ate prior to that was still good. After chillin with them, we called it a night. We didn’t want to do anything crazy like partying. Good company is good enough.

I feel

It’s one of those nights again, when I feel like I carry the biggest problems on my shoulders. I feel so vulnerable right now and I just need to let it all out.. because I have no one else I can turn to. I don’t have anyone that can understand, but maybe some nice bloggers out there. I am crying as I am typing all these stuff…

My bf and I were talking on the phone, catching up because he’s been extremely busy at work. We’ve been seeing each other weekly now, unlike before when we used to see each other every couple days. So, I was telling him about online classes for veterinary assistant and candle making class in person that I might take. I told him first about the $50 candle making class and then the $100 veterinary assistant per class (a lot of classes). He said why not do something that can help me, for a career. He said I won’t be making money taking a candle making class. And he compared it to my interest in bracelet making before and I stopped because I got broke making them. I told him, it interests me and that he’s discouraging me from my interests. He said it’s not like I’ll be making it like a business or will be making candle making for life. He said he needs my help for our future. I was just telling him what I think and feel, but all of a sudden he hung up. I told him things for him to understand and he just started telling me basically that I have no life and I’m settling for what little I have and that I have no future.

To me is it is both infuriating and humiliating, and it is making me think of what I’m going to do with my life. I am where I am now because of the mistakes I made in high school. I’m a high school drop out. But as soon as I dropped out, I worked my ass off to get my GED, I passed it on first try, and miraculously, I entered and finished college way sooner than my classmates who were still in high school then. I wasn’t interested in working so I just laid low until eventually it got very hard for me to find a job, until my classmates finished hs and went to college. Until now I am still not done with my student loan.. I have paid on and off and paused on my payments, and led to accrued interests. My student loan and this hard economy are what made the way I think and feel. Some of my classmates are still currently in college after so many years, while the others are done. I wanted to be a teacher, a nurse, a pharmacy technician, a phlebotomist, x-ray technician, medical biller, veterinary assistant.. which one do I really want to be? All of them fascinated me. Currently, veterinary assistant because I am interested in animals. It’s closely related to the course. Not only pets that I am interested in, but also the different kinds of each animal…

What is the meaning of my life? What is my purpose in this world?

As I’m writing this, I have stopped crying, but my headache’s getting worse. And I feel very, very alone. The only one that understands me is my own self. My own self is my best friend.

My dreams are weird

I usually dream at night. And I dream different things in one sleep. It’s weird, but I think that’s normal? My recent dream that I could remember is that I dreamt of animals. Ferret, which at first I thought was a rabbit because of the face but it had a long body, and I think my mind just decided it was indeed a ferret. Then the next one was a cute rabbit and finally I think it was 3 owls, all with some kind of eye problem lol. I looked online what they might mean.

Ferret
To see a ferret in your dream symbolizes distrust and suspicion of others. The dream may also be a pun on searching. Well I don’t know. Maybe before I slept I was looking at someone thinking that stranger looks suspicious and it just kind of wind up in the dream

Rabbit
To see a rabbit in your dream signifies luck, magical power, and success. You have a positive outlook on life. This sounds good. I do try to have a positive outlook. I don’t have a magical power. I wish.

Alternatively, rabbits symbolize abundance, warmth, fertility and sexual activity. Perhaps your sex life needs to be kept in check. This might have a little truth in it. It needs to be kept in check.

Owl
To see an owl in your dream symbolizes wisdom, insight, magic, expanded awareness and virtue. You are highly connected to your intuitive senses and psychic power. Yun, okay. Sounds good. No psychic power, though. I wish I had this too lol. The owl is also synonymous with death, darkness and the subconscious. That sounds bad. The appearance of an owl may be telling you to let go of the past or certain negative behaviors. Well maybe I had been thinking of certain pasts and it is bad. Yes, I will try to forget it all.