I’m still jobless. I’ve been into interviews, but didn’t get accepted. I am going to be late in my bills for sure. My car is on lease until April and I can’t pay until then. I’m just thinking of letting it go.

I really feel that I am not good enough for ANY jobs out there. Even fast food!! I feel really discouraged, unmotivated, hopeless, helpless, depressed… To the point that I’ve been having thoughts like why was I born? Why am I alive? What’s my purpose in this world? Heck sometimes I wish I wasn’t born or that it could’ve been better for everyone if I die. I’m useless.

On top of that, my bf of 1 year.. He left me hanging.. at first it was because he was having money problem too like me. He didn’t pay his expensive car for 2 months. One day he called me while he was at work and he sounded desperate. He wanted me to go do something like take out a loan from the bank. I got mad at him for his recklessness and told him I can’t help him the way he wants me to because I already have a bad credit and I’m jobless. No one is gonna lend me a 2k loan. He was frustrated and angry at me for not “supporting” him. I was frustrated and angry at him because it’s embarrassing and hurtful to me that I can’t help him, and that he’s asking me when I have nothing.

It’s been rough for both of us since then… He’s been busy working and I’ve been “busy” applying to jobs, going to interviews that lead to nothing. We didn’t see each other for about a month, until my emotions took over and decided that even though I don’t have any money left, I filled up my tank and drove 70 miles to see him. I took with me the things he gave me. I was thinking if he didn’t want to be with me anymore I will return them so he will stop thinking bad of me and I would get my things that I left there, and I hoped that I would get answers from him.

His dad opened the door for me and he knows that I’m jobless. He felt bad for me and I feel so low even more. I went up to see my bf and he was surprised to see me. He didn’t reject me, but it was awkward at first. Eventually we talked, apologized to each other, hugged, kissed, cried together. He said he didn’t want to break up with me, that he just wanted space to fix his money problem, that he didn’t mean to hurt me and not give me his attention, that we should fix our own problem first while giving each other space. I was very happy to see him and very sad that it had to be that way because he made sense.

And then I thought it was gonna end well, but his work called and asked if he wanted to work overtime. He accepted it like he was really grateful and then asked when. It was that same day in less than an hour. I wasnt even there for an hour I think. I got furious and frustrated. I thought we were at least gonna spend more time, but I was totally wrong.
I was so emotional. I was telling him, he’s unfair and I drove there to see him, but he accepted an assignment somewhere far away. Then I just exploded. I said “this is Bullshit!” I grabbed my dog and my bag, walked out the room, slammed the door hard, went downstairs, didn’t acknowledge his dad but as I was going towards the door, I told his dad that I’m sorry I have to leave. He asked why and I said, “because he’s going to work” and just walked out the house and to my car. I was driving in the freeway while crying. Trying to stop my tears, but I couldn’t. They just wouldn’t stop dripping down my face.

Finally, what seemed like forever, I got home. Fixed my face a little bit and went inside our apartment. I didn’t want my family to know what happened. I cried on the same bed I share with my sister. My back facing her and I was crying silently. I tried, but I was sniffling and all. She didn’t say anything.
Later on, I checked my phone, I got about 4 missed calls from him and a voicemail or 2. He said he was sorry. He was in my blocked list and so whenever he would call, it would go directly to my voicemail. He even called my sister and she showed me. I told her to ignore then.

Then later on that night, I had calmed down and picked up his call. He sounded relieved and very sorry. The next day, he called me again to say good morning, then we were texting each other our thoughts while he was at work. Then he got off work and we talked but he said they got extended. I told him, he’s receiving my texts ok, he said yeah and I said ok, I’m at my friend’s house, (who I just reconciled that same day and haven’t told my bf about it because there’s already a lot going on between our relationship), and we’ll just text each other.

An hour later, I couldn’t reach him anymore. He blocked me and wouldn’t pick up my private calls. When I change my call setting to private, it would ring. But if I show my number to call him, it goes straight to vm.

From Sunday until yesterday night, I kept calling him and texting and leaving voicemails. Eventually I stopped. Starting today, I’m gonna be stronger and act like I don’t give a shit. My heart feels so bruised, I can only take one more beating and I’m gonna die.
I’ve been crying out of nowhere because of how low I feel. No job. No bf. But feel a little good because I have 3 real friends. Just last night, 2 of them, let me drank so I can just relax for a moment. They knew I needed it badly because of what’s been happening to me.

Now I feel… I don’t know. Neutral. It’s the morning after drinking not so heavily. I feel like not doing anything after every time I just drank. No hangover just… Wanted a rest…
We shall see how today will play out for me.

Here’s to friendship…

On the day of my mom’s birthday celebration, my gay friend and I were talking in text about what to do for that night. I said to ask our other friends if they are available and maybe we can hang out in their house. Then I didn’t reply because I got busy with picking up our family friends that don’t have a car and setting up the stuff at the place.

Then I texted him randomly, Hey we are here now. Come. I was thinking he couldn’t come because when I asked him before he said he didn’t want to. I just asked him to see maybe he changed his mind.

He replied, I thought that was dinner. 

I said, no lunch! 

Then he replied, Nvm. Mom cooked.

I got really annoyed so I said, Aw really? So mean.

I invited you a long time ago.

Arte mo. You always want to hang out with your socialite friends.

Daya mo.

This is more important than partying with your friends. family and friends get together.

He replied, Gaga. I really thought it was dinner. That’s why I asked what time because after, we go with friends later

I said, We are still here. Bilisan mo.

San ba mamaya.

Hoy

He said, Wala. Di sure. No reply from them. hays.

Then later at night, he said he’s gonna follow us at our friend’s house. An hour later, our friend S called him. In the phone call, he said he’s doing something. Then someone in the background said, Hes sucking my dick! Then S laughed and said, HAHAH. Suck him harder and get over here.

Then I texted him, Asan ka na. We starting.

Bilisan mo.

You’re missing out.

Our other friend called him and we realized he wasn’t coming anymore. I texted him, Gaga. You chose friends over a random guy? 

Messed out

Up*.

Now I texted him all these, drunk. LOL. I didn’t realize it until I am writing this now. I got home around 3am and I got a reply from him saying, SO!!!???

THEN, me being drunk, I got all heated up and started saying stuff in the phone POLITELY. Then he would reply RUDELY. It got me thinking HARD. I was already drunk and I was trying to understand what was going on exactly. I finally realized that maybe it wasn’t him but his friend who likes to use his cellphone and talk shit to me. So that friend and I kept going at it in text. I was all calm while the other was not. Then I got a message saying, it wasnt me. sorry minumura ko na sila. But it was already too late. My gay friend said, I got mad at you also because I felt really uninvited at that party… etc. (Before I kept reminding him about it and one time he said disgustingly that he didn’t want to go to a buffet and that he might have plans with other people.) I knocked out.

Then later that day when I sobered up.. I looked back at the exchanged messages then I replied saying stuff about our friendship wasn’t true to him, that I should let go of our friendship because he chose those friends, etc. I was crying the whole time I was telling him things. I didn’t want to lose him, but if he is happy with his gay friends and they can’t can’t accept our friendship, I would let him go. Then he replied things like he puts me in the forever friend file list and we are still gonna be friends no matter what. Hala sige Oh my, I cried like a river this time. He said he admits that he hasn’t been giving me his attention as a friend and that he spent so much time with them, etc. Sige I cried even more. Baha na It’s a flood now.

A couple of days later, he texted, U still mad.

I replied, check your fb.

I told him things about how I feel. Other than our misunderstanding it led to me and his friend, D. He and I had a misunderstanding in our first meeting and this person kept a grudge on me since then. We never saw each other either since that incident either. I told my gay friend that everything will completely be okay once his friends apologizes about sabotaging our friendship. He said he already told his friend about it and his friend hasn’t done anything about it yet… Right now, I deleted my gay friend in his first account in fb and his second account already blocked me even before I get to delete his first account. I just told him about this blocking issue and he said it wasn’t him and that I blocked him. I told him to check his block list and maybe his friend D, blocked me. He didn’t reply anymore

Birthday Parties

First it was my gf, C. She had it done in her friend’s house. It’s the first party my love and I went to together with friends. It went well. It was good vibes, good company. It was raining outside, but it didn’t stop the party.

Some people played beer pong at the garage, some just chilled by the sofa, and we did shots in the dining room. Shots roulette. It was fun. I invited A and his gf, Ch. At first they were shy because they didn’t know anyone there at all. JD and RS were there too. Eventually, the shots A and Ch took made them chill hahah.

A and I decided to celebrate our birthdays in D&B. His night turned out well and mine didn’t. I was such in a bad mood as well as my bf. We had a fight that continued throughout the night, silently.. plus the very slow service killed it, and our friends knew… When we were driving back home, we were yelling and screaming to each other. It was just bad. Later on we made up, had dinners out. We even took a day off together from work yesterday… And good thing we did that because he’s on 24hrs work the next day…

Friends? What friends?

Sure, I have “friends”. I have friends that you can talk to when you’re bored. Drinking friends. Party friends. Hiking friends. Friends I only text, but never really like hanging out with or not worth it. Friends I see rarely. Friends that text me when they’re bored. Boy, I have a big list, but I can only count in my two hands, maybe in one hand, my true, good friends.
The real friends are the ones who are still there, no matter how long you haven’t seen or talk to each other, that will always hang out with you randomly, that will treat you out and you will treat them out too, that drinking is not the only thing you can do to have fun, those who remember your birthday, those who are there when you need help, the ones who will give you advices when you’re in trouble. Basically, someone who knows you, and truly understands you and how you are.
These kind of people are very hard to find. Trust me. I used to have “best friends”, but it just didn’t work out in the end for some reason.  Some things are just meant to end because there is just too much pain and drama involve. You just have to end it or else you will be miserable. So don’t force yourself to someone or don’t try when they don’t try because if you do, you’re the one who will look like the kawawa.