On Wednesday, I wrote him a long message about the things I’ve been wanting say because he wouldn’t reply to me from anything I tried to contact him with: text, call, his government email, wechat…

I deserve to know what’s going on. I deserve to know! If he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, he should’ve told me. Why did he have to say all those sweet nothings before he stopped talking to me? Why!

Before writing the letter… Because I wanted some answers, I searched all the screennames he’d use online. I found out….. He joined a dating site ;( and he said something like just looking for the right one. And other things. The photos he uploaded were the Times I was with him or like the ones he sent me before, while he’s at work. And the time he joined was when he was still with me…

All those times spending together, he thinks I’m not good enough… I’m not the right one for him.. and since I became jobless, he chose to be distant.. and not “go through thick and thin” with me. Here I thought he would be the last guy… My true love..

We are joined in cel plan. Under his name. I told him in the letter to keep it working because I need it for job prospects.. I tried to confirm it with him yesterday through texting, but still he didn’t reply.. I don’t want to call him anymore because I know and I am scared to find out that he’s still blocking me.

I have mixed emotions and a lot is going through my mind. More questions than answers… I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve done my part. When is he going to make his move?

I’m still jobless. I’ve been into interviews, but didn’t get accepted. I am going to be late in my bills for sure. My car is on lease until April and I can’t pay until then. I’m just thinking of letting it go.

I really feel that I am not good enough for ANY jobs out there. Even fast food!! I feel really discouraged, unmotivated, hopeless, helpless, depressed… To the point that I’ve been having thoughts like why was I born? Why am I alive? What’s my purpose in this world? Heck sometimes I wish I wasn’t born or that it could’ve been better for everyone if I die. I’m useless.

On top of that, my bf of 1 year.. He left me hanging.. at first it was because he was having money problem too like me. He didn’t pay his expensive car for 2 months. One day he called me while he was at work and he sounded desperate. He wanted me to go do something like take out a loan from the bank. I got mad at him for his recklessness and told him I can’t help him the way he wants me to because I already have a bad credit and I’m jobless. No one is gonna lend me a 2k loan. He was frustrated and angry at me for not “supporting” him. I was frustrated and angry at him because it’s embarrassing and hurtful to me that I can’t help him, and that he’s asking me when I have nothing.

It’s been rough for both of us since then… He’s been busy working and I’ve been “busy” applying to jobs, going to interviews that lead to nothing. We didn’t see each other for about a month, until my emotions took over and decided that even though I don’t have any money left, I filled up my tank and drove 70 miles to see him. I took with me the things he gave me. I was thinking if he didn’t want to be with me anymore I will return them so he will stop thinking bad of me and I would get my things that I left there, and I hoped that I would get answers from him.

His dad opened the door for me and he knows that I’m jobless. He felt bad for me and I feel so low even more. I went up to see my bf and he was surprised to see me. He didn’t reject me, but it was awkward at first. Eventually we talked, apologized to each other, hugged, kissed, cried together. He said he didn’t want to break up with me, that he just wanted space to fix his money problem, that he didn’t mean to hurt me and not give me his attention, that we should fix our own problem first while giving each other space. I was very happy to see him and very sad that it had to be that way because he made sense.

And then I thought it was gonna end well, but his work called and asked if he wanted to work overtime. He accepted it like he was really grateful and then asked when. It was that same day in less than an hour. I wasnt even there for an hour I think. I got furious and frustrated. I thought we were at least gonna spend more time, but I was totally wrong.
I was so emotional. I was telling him, he’s unfair and I drove there to see him, but he accepted an assignment somewhere far away. Then I just exploded. I said “this is Bullshit!” I grabbed my dog and my bag, walked out the room, slammed the door hard, went downstairs, didn’t acknowledge his dad but as I was going towards the door, I told his dad that I’m sorry I have to leave. He asked why and I said, “because he’s going to work” and just walked out the house and to my car. I was driving in the freeway while crying. Trying to stop my tears, but I couldn’t. They just wouldn’t stop dripping down my face.

Finally, what seemed like forever, I got home. Fixed my face a little bit and went inside our apartment. I didn’t want my family to know what happened. I cried on the same bed I share with my sister. My back facing her and I was crying silently. I tried, but I was sniffling and all. She didn’t say anything.
Later on, I checked my phone, I got about 4 missed calls from him and a voicemail or 2. He said he was sorry. He was in my blocked list and so whenever he would call, it would go directly to my voicemail. He even called my sister and she showed me. I told her to ignore then.

Then later on that night, I had calmed down and picked up his call. He sounded relieved and very sorry. The next day, he called me again to say good morning, then we were texting each other our thoughts while he was at work. Then he got off work and we talked but he said they got extended. I told him, he’s receiving my texts ok, he said yeah and I said ok, I’m at my friend’s house, (who I just reconciled that same day and haven’t told my bf about it because there’s already a lot going on between our relationship), and we’ll just text each other.

An hour later, I couldn’t reach him anymore. He blocked me and wouldn’t pick up my private calls. When I change my call setting to private, it would ring. But if I show my number to call him, it goes straight to vm.

From Sunday until yesterday night, I kept calling him and texting and leaving voicemails. Eventually I stopped. Starting today, I’m gonna be stronger and act like I don’t give a shit. My heart feels so bruised, I can only take one more beating and I’m gonna die.
I’ve been crying out of nowhere because of how low I feel. No job. No bf. But feel a little good because I have 3 real friends. Just last night, 2 of them, let me drank so I can just relax for a moment. They knew I needed it badly because of what’s been happening to me.

Now I feel… I don’t know. Neutral. It’s the morning after drinking not so heavily. I feel like not doing anything after every time I just drank. No hangover just… Wanted a rest…
We shall see how today will play out for me.

Really have nobody

That I can turn to… But my own self. I have been feeling lonely.. my boyfriend and I have been getting into heated arguments. He said things that made me feel even low and I know I have said things that have probably hurt him too. But I do know that he said more of the bad things than I did because I knew saying anything more won’t fix anything.

I lost friends.. only a couple I’m in touch with.. but I can’t depend on them most of the time when I need help.. I stopped getting in touch with people I used to hang out. I think they only wanted to hang out with me because I was always down to hang out.. now that I don’t go out anymore, they are nowhere to be found..

I’ve been looking for jobs. I feel very vulnerable.. I have filled out dozens of applications and sent resumes… Nothing. I am running out of money and also hope. I don’t know what to do anymore…

I hoped for a better life for the new year but…

I’m just too depressed right now. I’d never thought I would experience this again since I was a teenager…