I went to his house yesterday to see him, after his work. A couple of hours later, his work called and said they would need to leave by 4am to NorthCal, by borderline of Oregon, because there’s a wildfire going on there, lots of fire actually, so they need to help the others killing it. I am always scared when he goes to a big fire somewhere really far. It means I don’t get to see him after a week or so. And during that time, he’ll be busy and I won’t know anything until he calls me back.

It’s the fire season. The temperature is hot, humid, dry and have some lightning and windy in some places. I kind of knew that they were leaving soon because they were next in line to go help. I felt bad he didn’t have enough sleep and had to drive about an hour to his station and then drove the fire truck more than 8 hours to North Cal. I feel for the families and loved ones of the firefighters fighting right now up north. Fire is such a dangerous killer. It doesn’t show mercy. It will destroy everything, anything that gets on its way.

Last night, when we went to bed him, he was hugging me. He was giving me lots of kisses on my shoulder and face.. He said he was sorry that he had to go so soon when I just came. I felt frustrated and annoyed, but it’s part of his job. Early morning came and he had to go. We hugged each other. He told me that he loves and missed me. I told him, I love him and to take care over there. He said when he gets back, he’ll take me to dinner and we’ll go on a trip to San Diego. I told him I’ll have to call off, but we can do that. He said we will go in my day offs and he will just request day offs. When he said that, I got really touched. I felt like the big gap we had because of our fights, suddenly closed and we are back to “normal” loving each other again. Guess our love for each other never left. We just didn’t try to understand each other.

Let’s pray to God for their safety. Please pray for him and other people helping to kill all the fires. 

I feel

It’s one of those nights again, when I feel like I carry the biggest problems on my shoulders. I feel so vulnerable right now and I just need to let it all out.. because I have no one else I can turn to. I don’t have anyone that can understand, but maybe some nice bloggers out there. I am crying as I am typing all these stuff…

My bf and I were talking on the phone, catching up because he’s been extremely busy at work. We’ve been seeing each other weekly now, unlike before when we used to see each other every couple days. So, I was telling him about online classes for veterinary assistant and candle making class in person that I might take. I told him first about the $50 candle making class and then the $100 veterinary assistant per class (a lot of classes). He said why not do something that can help me, for a career. He said I won’t be making money taking a candle making class. And he compared it to my interest in bracelet making before and I stopped because I got broke making them. I told him, it interests me and that he’s discouraging me from my interests. He said it’s not like I’ll be making it like a business or will be making candle making for life. He said he needs my help for our future. I was just telling him what I think and feel, but all of a sudden he hung up. I told him things for him to understand and he just started telling me basically that I have no life and I’m settling for what little I have and that I have no future.

To me is it is both infuriating and humiliating, and it is making me think of what I’m going to do with my life. I am where I am now because of the mistakes I made in high school. I’m a high school drop out. But as soon as I dropped out, I worked my ass off to get my GED, I passed it on first try, and miraculously, I entered and finished college way sooner than my classmates who were still in high school then. I wasn’t interested in working so I just laid low until eventually it got very hard for me to find a job, until my classmates finished hs and went to college. Until now I am still not done with my student loan.. I have paid on and off and paused on my payments, and led to accrued interests. My student loan and this hard economy are what made the way I think and feel. Some of my classmates are still currently in college after so many years, while the others are done. I wanted to be a teacher, a nurse, a pharmacy technician, a phlebotomist, x-ray technician, medical biller, veterinary assistant.. which one do I really want to be? All of them fascinated me. Currently, veterinary assistant because I am interested in animals. It’s closely related to the course. Not only pets that I am interested in, but also the different kinds of each animal…

What is the meaning of my life? What is my purpose in this world?

As I’m writing this, I have stopped crying, but my headache’s getting worse. And I feel very, very alone. The only one that understands me is my own self. My own self is my best friend.

Whoops

I didn’t have time to write lately. Also, because I am depressed… About my useless life, and had a fight with my boyfriend and we haven’t seen each other since my last post.. The frustrations are the cause. We told each other things that hurt both of us.

I am deeply hurt in what he said about money. Money problems will always complicate a relationship. It should never be an issue in love relationships. If it is, then maybe it is time to reconsider your relationship and see where you guys are in each other’s heart. Another thing was faithfulness to God. How strong your faith is to God might play a part in each other’s perspective of each other.

He told me things that really put holes in my heart and his stubbornness in not listening didn’t help. He was the one who confronted me and yet he didn’t want to finish it.

I don’t know what else to think… There’s a part of me that was expecting this.. a part of me that is hurt.. a part of me that doesn’t want to care anymore.. a part of me that doesn’t want to deal with drama anymore. I can’t stress enough how I hate to be involve in a drama.

There are lots of ways to solve a problem. However, having problems are easier to get than solving them.