Tag Archives for bestfriend

I feel

It’s one of those nights again, when I feel like I carry the biggest problems on my shoulders. I feel so vulnerable right now and I just need to let it all out.. because I have no one else I can turn to. I don’t have anyone that can understand, but maybe some nice bloggers out there. I am crying as I am typing all these stuff…

My bf and I were talking on the phone, catching up because he’s been extremely busy at work. We’ve been seeing each other weekly now, unlike before when we used to see each other every couple days. So, I was telling him about online classes for veterinary assistant and candle making class in person that I might take. I told him first about the $50 candle making class and then the $100 veterinary assistant per class (a lot of classes). He said why not do something that can help me, for a career. He said I won’t be making money taking a candle making class. And he compared it to my interest in bracelet making before and I stopped because I got broke making them. I told him, it interests me and that he’s discouraging me from my interests. He said it’s not like I’ll be making it like a business or will be making candle making for life. He said he needs my help for our future. I was just telling him what I think and feel, but all of a sudden he hung up. I told him things for him to understand and he just started telling me basically that I have no life and I’m settling for what little I have and that I have no future.

To me is it is both infuriating and humiliating, and it is making me think of what I’m going to do with my life. I am where I am now because of the mistakes I made in high school. I’m a high school drop out. But as soon as I dropped out, I worked my ass off to get my GED, I passed it on first try, and miraculously, I entered and finished college way sooner than my classmates who were still in high school then. I wasn’t interested in working so I just laid low until eventually it got very hard for me to find a job, until my classmates finished hs and went to college. Until now I am still not done with my student loan.. I have paid on and off and paused on my payments, and led to accrued interests. My student loan and this hard economy are what made the way I think and feel. Some of my classmates are still currently in college after so many years, while the others are done. I wanted to be a teacher, a nurse, a pharmacy technician, a phlebotomist, x-ray technician, medical biller, veterinary assistant.. which one do I really want to be? All of them fascinated me. Currently, veterinary assistant because I am interested in animals. It’s closely related to the course. Not only pets that I am interested in, but also the different kinds of each animal…

What is the meaning of my life? What is my purpose in this world?

As I’m writing this, I have stopped crying, but my headache’s getting worse. And I feel very, very alone. The only one that understands me is my own self. My own self is my best friend.

Ex-bestfriend

Females really ARE complicated, huh?

I had a female best friend before. We’d tell each other our problems to each other and secrets too, of course. We would always go out a lot, partying, clubbing, dinners, kickbacks, hang outs, etc. She would mostly be in charge of paying for both of us (because she was getting paid more than me, making me look like I’m pretty broke), and I would be driving (because she didn’t have a car). We would get drunk together, and kind of take turns on who’s going to be the drunk one and who would be the one driving us back home. I didn’t know how to handle my alcohol and she knew her limits. Everyone knew how we were. People think we were party girls. Wild and crazy. Ah, memories. (I will write our escapades next time!) Tonight, I will tell you what just happened recently.

I blocked my ex bestfriend in Facebook since awhile back. It was my way of moving on. I didn’t want to know any updates about her and I didn’t want her finding anything new with me. I feel vulnerable if she knew what’s going on with my life. I feel like she’s going to use it against me somehow or just talk behind my back (because I already know how she is!) Anyway, I am still friends with her ate and step siblings in Facebook, and I saw photos of her with her step sister and her new best friend (whom she used to not like before when we were still best friends). I saw her smile and it was a smile that didn’t reach her ears. A sad smile. I didn’t want to assume, but I know how her smile looks like when she’s really happy. I unblocked her and read the comments after looking at the photos. They got drunk at some local club and I was right. She wasn’t happy. She was heartbroken. Maybe cool off from the boyfriend or just officially broken up, but she sure didn’t look happy. And you know what? In the comment, she said, Buti pa kayo hindi nyo ako iniwan, kasi dati iniwan ako. (Good to know, you guys didn’t leave me behind, because before I was left behind). It was her reply to them when they said something about her being drunk and looking funny. I knew she was talking about me. I know they knew who she was talking about. And anyone reading her comment, I know they knew that she was talking about me.

So, she hasn’t moved on from our past. That shows me that she still cares about the past, about our broken friendship. Well, I have moved on. I have done my part in apologizing, mending things between us. She just never forgave me and accepted the fact that she was at fault too. I know we won’t be friends anymore and if we do become friends again, it won’t be as tight as before. I have no regret of what happened between us. It was a small mistake I made, which she made a very big deal of to herself and to everyone, making her look like the victim.

Do I miss her? I don’t know. Maybe it’s the memories that I miss. The times I felt fun, good times with friends kind of thing. I just want her to move on. I don’t want her always thinking about our past with regret or disappointment, throughout her whole life. I want her to be happy without me in her mind. I want her to forget about me. I want her to think I never existed. I just want her to live her life without any…regret