I feel

It’s one of those nights again, when I feel like I carry the biggest problems on my shoulders. I feel so vulnerable right now and I just need to let it all out.. because I have no one else I can turn to. I don’t have anyone that can understand, but maybe some nice bloggers out there. I am crying as I am typing all these stuff…

My bf and I were talking on the phone, catching up because he’s been extremely busy at work. We’ve been seeing each other weekly now, unlike before when we used to see each other every couple days. So, I was telling him about online classes for veterinary assistant and candle making class in person that I might take. I told him first about the $50 candle making class and then the $100 veterinary assistant per class (a lot of classes). He said why not do something that can help me, for a career. He said I won’t be making money taking a candle making class. And he compared it to my interest in bracelet making before and I stopped because I got broke making them. I told him, it interests me and that he’s discouraging me from my interests. He said it’s not like I’ll be making it like a business or will be making candle making for life. He said he needs my help for our future. I was just telling him what I think and feel, but all of a sudden he hung up. I told him things for him to understand and he just started telling me basically that I have no life and I’m settling for what little I have and that I have no future.

To me is it is both infuriating and humiliating, and it is making me think of what I’m going to do with my life. I am where I am now because of the mistakes I made in high school. I’m a high school drop out. But as soon as I dropped out, I worked my ass off to get my GED, I passed it on first try, and miraculously, I entered and finished college way sooner than my classmates who were still in high school then. I wasn’t interested in working so I just laid low until eventually it got very hard for me to find a job, until my classmates finished hs and went to college. Until now I am still not done with my student loan.. I have paid on and off and paused on my payments, and led to accrued interests. My student loan and this hard economy are what made the way I think and feel. Some of my classmates are still currently in college after so many years, while the others are done. I wanted to be a teacher, a nurse, a pharmacy technician, a phlebotomist, x-ray technician, medical biller, veterinary assistant.. which one do I really want to be? All of them fascinated me. Currently, veterinary assistant because I am interested in animals. It’s closely related to the course. Not only pets that I am interested in, but also the different kinds of each animal…

What is the meaning of my life? What is my purpose in this world?

As I’m writing this, I have stopped crying, but my headache’s getting worse. And I feel very, very alone. The only one that understands me is my own self. My own self is my best friend.