Tag Archives for courage

I speak what I think sometimes, unfortunately for some people. Frank? Yeah in a way. 

Today, my co-worker D and I were on our way to this client when we bumped into one of the caregivers that works as a private, M. She was carrying a tray with dirty plates. “Oh, this is A’s tray. I was on the way down to return it it to the kitchen“, she said as she gave it towards D. I said, “Huh? Why?” I was so confused because as far as I know client A only gets service from us.  D stayed quiet. “ah I was just visiting her. To see how she was doing.” She explained as if she had to. I said, “oh I see.” Then we walked away. D chuckled and said, “You’re so mean.” I said, “what? I was really curious why she was there.” Because for some reason, I do not trust M, but I didn’t say that. Awhile back, I found M in our office with a nurse, I don’t know what they were doing or why. They came out quietly when I got there. I didn’t ask either what they wanted. After that incident, my trust in her is broken. I told D about this before but she just shrugged about it. “I think she asked A if she needs any service so she can work for her.” “Hmmm“, was all I said.

This was just one of the times that I was “mean”. Another time was when D and this other Latino caregiver were speaking in Spanish and obviously I don’t understand it. Whenever this caregiver sees D, they always talk in Spanish, it annoys the shit out of me. So whenever she’s around I supposedly give her that look that I don’t like her. D told me this. I told her directly it’s annoying that they speak in Spanish and I don’t understand. She said sorry and said the caregiver doesn’t speak English much. I told her “she has a patient that only understands English so how can she work with her? She needs to learn English.” She just shrugged and said, “I don’t know.“

You see, that’s just me. I used to not speak up when I was younger, but now that I’m older, I have more confidence in talking when I am curious or have something to say.

I went to his house yesterday to see him, after his work. A couple of hours later, his work called and said they would need to leave by 4am to NorthCal, by borderline of Oregon, because there’s a wildfire going on there, lots of fire actually, so they need to help the others killing it. I am always scared when he goes to a big fire somewhere really far. It means I don’t get to see him after a week or so. And during that time, he’ll be busy and I won’t know anything until he calls me back.

It’s the fire season. The temperature is hot, humid, dry and have some lightning and windy in some places. I kind of knew that they were leaving soon because they were next in line to go help. I felt bad he didn’t have enough sleep and had to drive about an hour to his station and then drove the fire truck more than 8 hours to North Cal. I feel for the families and loved ones of the firefighters fighting right now up north. Fire is such a dangerous killer. It doesn’t show mercy. It will destroy everything, anything that gets on its way.

Last night, when we went to bed him, he was hugging me. He was giving me lots of kisses on my shoulder and face.. He said he was sorry that he had to go so soon when I just came. I felt frustrated and annoyed, but it’s part of his job. Early morning came and he had to go. We hugged each other. He told me that he loves and missed me. I told him, I love him and to take care over there. He said when he gets back, he’ll take me to dinner and we’ll go on a trip to San Diego. I told him I’ll have to call off, but we can do that. He said we will go in my day offs and he will just request day offs. When he said that, I got really touched. I felt like the big gap we had because of our fights, suddenly closed and we are back to “normal” loving each other again. Guess our love for each other never left. We just didn’t try to understand each other.

Let’s pray to God for their safety. Please pray for him and other people helping to kill all the fires. 

I feel

It’s one of those nights again, when I feel like I carry the biggest problems on my shoulders. I feel so vulnerable right now and I just need to let it all out.. because I have no one else I can turn to. I don’t have anyone that can understand, but maybe some nice bloggers out there. I am crying as I am typing all these stuff…

My bf and I were talking on the phone, catching up because he’s been extremely busy at work. We’ve been seeing each other weekly now, unlike before when we used to see each other every couple days. So, I was telling him about online classes for veterinary assistant and candle making class in person that I might take. I told him first about the $50 candle making class and then the $100 veterinary assistant per class (a lot of classes). He said why not do something that can help me, for a career. He said I won’t be making money taking a candle making class. And he compared it to my interest in bracelet making before and I stopped because I got broke making them. I told him, it interests me and that he’s discouraging me from my interests. He said it’s not like I’ll be making it like a business or will be making candle making for life. He said he needs my help for our future. I was just telling him what I think and feel, but all of a sudden he hung up. I told him things for him to understand and he just started telling me basically that I have no life and I’m settling for what little I have and that I have no future.

To me is it is both infuriating and humiliating, and it is making me think of what I’m going to do with my life. I am where I am now because of the mistakes I made in high school. I’m a high school drop out. But as soon as I dropped out, I worked my ass off to get my GED, I passed it on first try, and miraculously, I entered and finished college way sooner than my classmates who were still in high school then. I wasn’t interested in working so I just laid low until eventually it got very hard for me to find a job, until my classmates finished hs and went to college. Until now I am still not done with my student loan.. I have paid on and off and paused on my payments, and led to accrued interests. My student loan and this hard economy are what made the way I think and feel. Some of my classmates are still currently in college after so many years, while the others are done. I wanted to be a teacher, a nurse, a pharmacy technician, a phlebotomist, x-ray technician, medical biller, veterinary assistant.. which one do I really want to be? All of them fascinated me. Currently, veterinary assistant because I am interested in animals. It’s closely related to the course. Not only pets that I am interested in, but also the different kinds of each animal…

What is the meaning of my life? What is my purpose in this world?

As I’m writing this, I have stopped crying, but my headache’s getting worse. And I feel very, very alone. The only one that understands me is my own self. My own self is my best friend.