My family always had dogs as pets. I remember back in the Philippines, we had Thalia, the very friendly one, she escaped from home, because of my cousin that was living with us, and she was never been found. I was really sad. And then we had Tootsie, the hostile one. Their living environment was different from each other thus their personality. Thalia was our guard in the front and could come inside, and Tootsie in the back and never really got inside, until Thalia got away, so we put him in the front. He was a good guard dog.

I remember we even had love birds, which I forgot as an adult until my sister mentioned it again. I remember somebody stole them. Sigh. I don’t know where they were at, but we had a 2nd floor, and I don’t know if we left them on the first or second floor. So sad. Don’t you hate that feeling when something is stolen from you or something you’ve always been fond of disappears? It is such a terrible feeling.. that feeling of loss.. and regret, especially as a child.

Then I also remember we had chicks too and we put them in an empty aquarium glass box. I don’t know why we put them in there and I don’t know what happened to them. We lived in the city so maybe that was part of the reason why we didn’t keep them for long.

I don’t know if that says much about me liking animals, but I do. I think we, humans, took over their lands and now most of them are imprisoned or have lost their habitats because of our curiousity and greediness. I feel bad for the animals who are in bad situations because of us, humans. I hate seeing those commercials about neglected or abused animals. I change the channel right away. I can’t stand them. I get too sad.

I am going to sign up to an online class for veterinary assistant. It is just to see whether I really want to be in the veterinary field or not. I will get certificate of completion after I pass each class. I hope “this is really is it!”

I feel

It’s one of those nights again, when I feel like I carry the biggest problems on my shoulders. I feel so vulnerable right now and I just need to let it all out.. because I have no one else I can turn to. I don’t have anyone that can understand, but maybe some nice bloggers out there. I am crying as I am typing all these stuff…

My bf and I were talking on the phone, catching up because he’s been extremely busy at work. We’ve been seeing each other weekly now, unlike before when we used to see each other every couple days. So, I was telling him about online classes for veterinary assistant and candle making class in person that I might take. I told him first about the $50 candle making class and then the $100 veterinary assistant per class (a lot of classes). He said why not do something that can help me, for a career. He said I won’t be making money taking a candle making class. And he compared it to my interest in bracelet making before and I stopped because I got broke making them. I told him, it interests me and that he’s discouraging me from my interests. He said it’s not like I’ll be making it like a business or will be making candle making for life. He said he needs my help for our future. I was just telling him what I think and feel, but all of a sudden he hung up. I told him things for him to understand and he just started telling me basically that I have no life and I’m settling for what little I have and that I have no future.

To me is it is both infuriating and humiliating, and it is making me think of what I’m going to do with my life. I am where I am now because of the mistakes I made in high school. I’m a high school drop out. But as soon as I dropped out, I worked my ass off to get my GED, I passed it on first try, and miraculously, I entered and finished college way sooner than my classmates who were still in high school then. I wasn’t interested in working so I just laid low until eventually it got very hard for me to find a job, until my classmates finished hs and went to college. Until now I am still not done with my student loan.. I have paid on and off and paused on my payments, and led to accrued interests. My student loan and this hard economy are what made the way I think and feel. Some of my classmates are still currently in college after so many years, while the others are done. I wanted to be a teacher, a nurse, a pharmacy technician, a phlebotomist, x-ray technician, medical biller, veterinary assistant.. which one do I really want to be? All of them fascinated me. Currently, veterinary assistant because I am interested in animals. It’s closely related to the course. Not only pets that I am interested in, but also the different kinds of each animal…

What is the meaning of my life? What is my purpose in this world?

As I’m writing this, I have stopped crying, but my headache’s getting worse. And I feel very, very alone. The only one that understands me is my own self. My own self is my best friend.

His birthday

Ahh. I have been really lagging on the updates. I don’t remember the last thing I wrote few days ago. Anyway….

It was his birthday this past weekend. I took him to watch Ringling Brothers and Barnum&Bailey Circus. Two VIP tickets costed me $112 including the stupid fees, even print at home option was like $2.50 or something. Like really! They crazy! Not only that we bought like a lemonade in a cute, yellow circus theme water bottle $10, snow cone in a circus theme mug $11-12, big popcorn with a circus theme small bag $10 I think. Like wow…

My bf was so grateful to me for taking him there. There were lion and tigers in a cage with a man, overall 11 wild cats. Once in awhile they wouldn’t listen to him, they would roar. There’s even a time when a lioness didn’t make him leave in one spot and he was stuck with all these wild cats. I was just waiting for it to happen, but thankfully nothing happen. A dangerous stunt for the benefit of a good show. Tsk. There were elephants going on top of each other, following each other by grabbing each other’s tail, sitting down on a stool and laying down, etc. There were llamas, goats, donkeys knowing what to do. There were dogs doing some cute stuff too and even pigs!! Oh they were so cute jumping, doing things when told. There were 7-9 bikers that went inside a metallic ball and they were riding the motorcycles in there altogether. Crazy!! Asian people (as expected) doing some cool stuff too that involved jumping high and balancing on a bicycle, stacking people on each other. Pretty, strong horses, rode by lean, muscular men. They would do stunts on the horse while it is moving. Love the part when it was a man standing on 2 horse and they were moving like in freaking Spartacus or gladiators or something lol. So many interesting things, I tell you! After the show, I treated him to korean bbq because we were driving for so long, we were just hungry.

The next day was his birthday, he had to work and I was left with his parents, but they went somewhere so I bought ingredients and cooked for the first time ever, a sphagetti! Jollibee style. First time I cooked real dish ever lol. Turned out good haha. It was a little spicy but still very good! He loved it and his family too. I even baked some brownies that are in cupcake shape so I could put ice cream on top and it wouldn’t fall. I’m so proud of myself lol. He was so happy and everything that I did all these things for him. Sigh…

My dreams are weird

I usually dream at night. And I dream different things in one sleep. It’s weird, but I think that’s normal? My recent dream that I could remember is that I dreamt of animals. Ferret, which at first I thought was a rabbit because of the face but it had a long body, and I think my mind just decided it was indeed a ferret. Then the next one was a cute rabbit and finally I think it was 3 owls, all with some kind of eye problem lol. I looked online what they might mean.

Ferret
To see a ferret in your dream symbolizes distrust and suspicion of others. The dream may also be a pun on searching. Well I don’t know. Maybe before I slept I was looking at someone thinking that stranger looks suspicious and it just kind of wind up in the dream

Rabbit
To see a rabbit in your dream signifies luck, magical power, and success. You have a positive outlook on life. This sounds good. I do try to have a positive outlook. I don’t have a magical power. I wish.

Alternatively, rabbits symbolize abundance, warmth, fertility and sexual activity. Perhaps your sex life needs to be kept in check. This might have a little truth in it. It needs to be kept in check.

Owl
To see an owl in your dream symbolizes wisdom, insight, magic, expanded awareness and virtue. You are highly connected to your intuitive senses and psychic power. Yun, okay. Sounds good. No psychic power, though. I wish I had this too lol. The owl is also synonymous with death, darkness and the subconscious. That sounds bad. The appearance of an owl may be telling you to let go of the past or certain negative behaviors. Well maybe I had been thinking of certain pasts and it is bad. Yes, I will try to forget it all.