I went to his house yesterday to see him, after his work. A couple of hours later, his work called and said they would need to leave by 4am to NorthCal, by borderline of Oregon, because there’s a wildfire going on there, lots of fire actually, so they need to help the others killing it. I am always scared when he goes to a big fire somewhere really far. It means I don’t get to see him after a week or so. And during that time, he’ll be busy and I won’t know anything until he calls me back.

It’s the fire season. The temperature is hot, humid, dry and have some lightning and windy in some places. I kind of knew that they were leaving soon because they were next in line to go help. I felt bad he didn’t have enough sleep and had to drive about an hour to his station and then drove the fire truck more than 8 hours to North Cal. I feel for the families and loved ones of the firefighters fighting right now up north. Fire is such a dangerous killer. It doesn’t show mercy. It will destroy everything, anything that gets on its way.

Last night, when we went to bed him, he was hugging me. He was giving me lots of kisses on my shoulder and face.. He said he was sorry that he had to go so soon when I just came. I felt frustrated and annoyed, but it’s part of his job. Early morning came and he had to go. We hugged each other. He told me that he loves and missed me. I told him, I love him and to take care over there. He said when he gets back, he’ll take me to dinner and we’ll go on a trip to San Diego. I told him I’ll have to call off, but we can do that. He said we will go in my day offs and he will just request day offs. When he said that, I got really touched. I felt like the big gap we had because of our fights, suddenly closed and we are back to “normal” loving each other again. Guess our love for each other never left. We just didn’t try to understand each other.

Let’s pray to God for their safety. Please pray for him and other people helping to kill all the fires. 

I feel

It’s one of those nights again, when I feel like I carry the biggest problems on my shoulders. I feel so vulnerable right now and I just need to let it all out.. because I have no one else I can turn to. I don’t have anyone that can understand, but maybe some nice bloggers out there. I am crying as I am typing all these stuff…

My bf and I were talking on the phone, catching up because he’s been extremely busy at work. We’ve been seeing each other weekly now, unlike before when we used to see each other every couple days. So, I was telling him about online classes for veterinary assistant and candle making class in person that I might take. I told him first about the $50 candle making class and then the $100 veterinary assistant per class (a lot of classes). He said why not do something that can help me, for a career. He said I won’t be making money taking a candle making class. And he compared it to my interest in bracelet making before and I stopped because I got broke making them. I told him, it interests me and that he’s discouraging me from my interests. He said it’s not like I’ll be making it like a business or will be making candle making for life. He said he needs my help for our future. I was just telling him what I think and feel, but all of a sudden he hung up. I told him things for him to understand and he just started telling me basically that I have no life and I’m settling for what little I have and that I have no future.

To me is it is both infuriating and humiliating, and it is making me think of what I’m going to do with my life. I am where I am now because of the mistakes I made in high school. I’m a high school drop out. But as soon as I dropped out, I worked my ass off to get my GED, I passed it on first try, and miraculously, I entered and finished college way sooner than my classmates who were still in high school then. I wasn’t interested in working so I just laid low until eventually it got very hard for me to find a job, until my classmates finished hs and went to college. Until now I am still not done with my student loan.. I have paid on and off and paused on my payments, and led to accrued interests. My student loan and this hard economy are what made the way I think and feel. Some of my classmates are still currently in college after so many years, while the others are done. I wanted to be a teacher, a nurse, a pharmacy technician, a phlebotomist, x-ray technician, medical biller, veterinary assistant.. which one do I really want to be? All of them fascinated me. Currently, veterinary assistant because I am interested in animals. It’s closely related to the course. Not only pets that I am interested in, but also the different kinds of each animal…

What is the meaning of my life? What is my purpose in this world?

As I’m writing this, I have stopped crying, but my headache’s getting worse. And I feel very, very alone. The only one that understands me is my own self. My own self is my best friend.

My boyfriend accepted work in his day offs because he needs over time, he said. He also said his engine is second on the strike team. Meaning he can go to a fire assignment anytime in somewhere far soon… For maybe about a week or so, depending how bad the situation is… He’s a firefighter in forestry service… They go to fire assignments in the mountains, in the forests, where the fire is really big and dangerous… And when he’s on a fire assignment, they get really busy, they don’t have phone signal or their cellphone is drained out. It can get really frustrating… It’s not all about big fire assignments. Of course, they get involve in “less” dangerous assignments like go to a car accident or any emergency or check out a place where there’s a possibility of fire..

Anyway whenever he’s out working and I can’t get a hold of him, I get worried and be really anxious. I can’t sleep sometimes when I know he’s in a fire assignment. Sometimes I don’t even know if he’s just at his fire station or if he went to a fire scene. How could I sleep with ease knowing his job is dangerous??

Struggling

Ugh. I am broke. Again. I just paid for my car, got a carwash, my student loan and the bill left from T-Mobile, a stupid bill for just a few days before the end of the bill. I hate hidden charges in all phone companies. I joined my boyfriend to AT&T, where we share 10gb data, unlimited call and texts. Before all these, I have spent on my boyfriend because it was his birthday and I wanted him to be happy which I didn’t mind. I thought about what would happen when I spend a certain amount, but It didn’t sink in until all my bills were due at the same time. Sigh. I have to wait and save money.

His birthday

Ahh. I have been really lagging on the updates. I don’t remember the last thing I wrote few days ago. Anyway….

It was his birthday this past weekend. I took him to watch Ringling Brothers and Barnum&Bailey Circus. Two VIP tickets costed me $112 including the stupid fees, even print at home option was like $2.50 or something. Like really! They crazy! Not only that we bought like a lemonade in a cute, yellow circus theme water bottle $10, snow cone in a circus theme mug $11-12, big popcorn with a circus theme small bag $10 I think. Like wow…

My bf was so grateful to me for taking him there. There were lion and tigers in a cage with a man, overall 11 wild cats. Once in awhile they wouldn’t listen to him, they would roar. There’s even a time when a lioness didn’t make him leave in one spot and he was stuck with all these wild cats. I was just waiting for it to happen, but thankfully nothing happen. A dangerous stunt for the benefit of a good show. Tsk. There were elephants going on top of each other, following each other by grabbing each other’s tail, sitting down on a stool and laying down, etc. There were llamas, goats, donkeys knowing what to do. There were dogs doing some cute stuff too and even pigs!! Oh they were so cute jumping, doing things when told. There were 7-9 bikers that went inside a metallic ball and they were riding the motorcycles in there altogether. Crazy!! Asian people (as expected) doing some cool stuff too that involved jumping high and balancing on a bicycle, stacking people on each other. Pretty, strong horses, rode by lean, muscular men. They would do stunts on the horse while it is moving. Love the part when it was a man standing on 2 horse and they were moving like in freaking Spartacus or gladiators or something lol. So many interesting things, I tell you! After the show, I treated him to korean bbq because we were driving for so long, we were just hungry.

The next day was his birthday, he had to work and I was left with his parents, but they went somewhere so I bought ingredients and cooked for the first time ever, a sphagetti! Jollibee style. First time I cooked real dish ever lol. Turned out good haha. It was a little spicy but still very good! He loved it and his family too. I even baked some brownies that are in cupcake shape so I could put ice cream on top and it wouldn’t fall. I’m so proud of myself lol. He was so happy and everything that I did all these things for him. Sigh…

Whoops

I didn’t have time to write lately. Also, because I am depressed… About my useless life, and had a fight with my boyfriend and we haven’t seen each other since my last post.. The frustrations are the cause. We told each other things that hurt both of us.

I am deeply hurt in what he said about money. Money problems will always complicate a relationship. It should never be an issue in love relationships. If it is, then maybe it is time to reconsider your relationship and see where you guys are in each other’s heart. Another thing was faithfulness to God. How strong your faith is to God might play a part in each other’s perspective of each other.

He told me things that really put holes in my heart and his stubbornness in not listening didn’t help. He was the one who confronted me and yet he didn’t want to finish it.

I don’t know what else to think… There’s a part of me that was expecting this.. a part of me that is hurt.. a part of me that doesn’t want to care anymore.. a part of me that doesn’t want to deal with drama anymore. I can’t stress enough how I hate to be involve in a drama.

There are lots of ways to solve a problem. However, having problems are easier to get than solving them.

These last few days was spent with my love. I even called off work on Thursday and my coworker covered for me secretly. It means I am still getting paid because we didn’t tell our boss. Bad employees. Tsk I know. I went to work on Friday anyway, but I also covered for the same coworker because she had to do some stuff for a couple of hours. It was hot and my love made a deliciously cold coffee. The best. I couldn’t believe how good it was. You can put it in the same label as Starbucks. Heck, better than it. Cheap and great! Ha ha ha. Last Friday was my friend’s birthday dinner at his place so my love and I went there after my work. Then yesterday he called off work for me and we went to take pictures of his house, the one his uncle rented. They have some kind of family issues and that’s why my love is “kicking out” his uncle from the house.

Yes, my love lives with his family in a big house and he also has his own house that he bought from his own money. He was very nice to pick the house and help his uncle for awhile until the uncle didn’t have enough to pay and that’s when the issue came up. So now, it is open for rent.  we went there yesterday to take some pictures. The thing is, they didn’t have a legal contract because it is between families. So one day, the uncle “couldn’t” pay the agreed monthly, the uncle looked for roommates, and he told my love about it. When we got there yesterday, the roommate didn’t let us in until the uncle gets there. That the uncle told lies to the roommate that he paid the down payment when getting the house at the beginning when it was really my love. My love threatened to call the cops and all that because the roommate wouldn’t let us in even if he had a key to enter anyway. It was the uncle’s fault for not telling the roommate we were coming over. I just said, Babe, don’t call the cops. Just call your uncle first and tell him to come here. In a few minutes, the uncle came and sorted things out and whatnot. While my love was talking pictures, the uncle was talking to me about what happened and seemed nice, but I know it’s just the “I’m the victim here” acting. I just told him politely that any business between families is a bad idea unless there’s a contract, some paperwork which they didn’t have. My love told me he got the house in a beautiful condition, with green grass and fruit trees. He was pissed when he saw they are all dead now. That he will estimate the “damage” and Bill it to his uncle.

He used my email to post in Craigslist and sure enough, there was already 2 potential renters. One is from Europe and thinking of going back to California and the other one is a local. I don’t know what he told them, but that’s on the works now.