Friends? What friends?

Sure, I have “friends”. I have friends that you can talk to when you’re bored. Drinking friends. Party friends. Hiking friends. Friends I only text, but never really like hanging out with or not worth it. Friends I see rarely. Friends that text me when they’re bored. Boy, I have a big list, but I can only count in my two hands, maybe in one hand, my true, good friends.
The real friends are the ones who are still there, no matter how long you haven’t seen or talk to each other, that will always hang out with you randomly, that will treat you out and you will treat them out too, that drinking is not the only thing you can do to have fun, those who remember your birthday, those who are there when you need help, the ones who will give you advices when you’re in trouble. Basically, someone who knows you, and truly understands you and how you are.
These kind of people are very hard to find. Trust me. I used to have “best friends”, but it just didn’t work out in the end for some reason.  Some things are just meant to end because there is just too much pain and drama involve. You just have to end it or else you will be miserable. So don’t force yourself to someone or don’t try when they don’t try because if you do, you’re the one who will look like the kawawa.

Happy Person?

Whenever I’m at work, I smile and laugh more than I do outside work. Last night at work, one of the clients I take care of, Sue, wasn’t feeling comfortable with her chapped lips. She said it might make other people uncomfortable if she sat with them for supper. I said, don’t worry about them, worry about yourself. She said, it’s easier said than done. I told her I would just order her food from the kitchen so she can stay in her room and they will deliver it to her. She usually go down for supper and I would pick her up when she’s done. When she received the food, she was very grateful to me. She really likes me as her caregiver.

And then another client, Norma, wanted to know about this ointment she was using. I gave her instructions while smiling and laughing even when it’s not of a great situation. She said something like, you are always in a happy mood, always smiling. I like that. And then sometimes, I would hear other seniors talking about me, saying I’m young, smart and nice.

I feel good whenever a senior like Sue or Norma appreciate my help. It really feels good. I feel like I’m an important person even when to others caregiving is a low, dirty and stressful job.

When I’m at home or just outside or hanging out with people, I would feel a little sad.. empty.. I don’t always smile or laugh. I don’t know if I will be in this point of life forever.

I’ve been a bad daughter

If I say my thoughts on this, I feel like I’ll be too vulnerable, too open and will be criticized. I admit I’m a bad daughter. I have been.
I haven’t been visiting my mother in the rehab center as much as I should as a good daughter. I hate hospitals or facilities. I hate going there. I hate the wait and depression in the atmosphere. I hate seeing other patients there looking very ill.

My biological mother had leukemia and died in the hospital when I was only 7 years old. I didn’t know how to take care of my mother then. They just let me play with my cousins because I was young. Presently, my stepmother is also sick.. Now, what do I do? Nobody taught me about boys, menstruation, puberty, sex, or anything like that, let alone take care of anybody. I learned them all by myself or in school.

I don’t know how to be affectionate anymore or take care of my parents. I feel like I can’t grow because of these problems happening to us. Our parents didn’t push us hard enough to be successful, to be better people. All they wanted was for us to work and make lots of money. They didn’t motivate us to do anything. It looks like they just want us to feel sorry for them and work harder. Well, I didn’t ask to be born in this world. I’m imperfect. I make a lot of mistakes and bad decisions. I’ve been misguided and still lost at this age.

I’m sorry, papa, mama and mommy. I don’t deserve to be your daughter. I’m a failure.

Latest on DIX&NIX


i would die to have a voice like this. I like women who has a voice like this one

Originally posted on Simeona's Tiny Hands:

Yay! Audio is finally done :) Will be shooting the video tomorrow :)

Vocals/Second Vocals: Deecee Dualan
Guitars: Nicko O’Brian Reno
Piano: Alfred Fontanar

Kahit Maputi Na Ang Buhok Ko – Rey Valera
Verse 1:
Kung tayo ay matanda na
Sana’y ‘di tayo magbago
Kailanman, nasaan ma’y
Ito ang pangarap ko

Chorus 1:
Makuha mo pa kayang ako’y hagkan at yakapin, hmm…
Hanggang pagtanda natin
Nagtatanong lang sa’yo ako pa kaya’y ibigin mo
Kung maputi na ang buhok ko

Verse 2: Verse 1 chords
Pagdating ng araw ang ‘yong buhok
Ay puputi na rin
Sabay tayong mangangarap
Ng nakaraan sa’tin

Chorus 2:
Ang naklipas ay ibabalik natin, hmmm…
Ipapaalala ko sa’yo
Ang aking pangako na’ng pag-ibig ko’y lagi sa’yo
Kahit maputi na ang buhok ko

View original

What do you do when you “hang out” with your boyfriend’s family?

Another awkward moment for me, I tell you. I really am not used to hanging out with a boyfriend’s family. My ex boyfriends were assholes and they never properly introduced me as their girlfriend. The other one was because for some reason the mother didn’t like me, maybe she knew my ex and I were not compatible as we thought we were. So really, this is the first real boyfriend I can call.

My love didn’t bring me to his work in the mountains today. He usually brings me there. He would work at his station and I would be at the barracks, hanging out until he’d get off. He said he was going to be late, we didn’t prepare anything for me for the barracks and that he wants me to hang out with his family. I got a little upset because he left me behind for the first time for a long time and scared because I don’t know how to act or talk towards his family. I’m shy, get it? I feel the pressure. I feel like they are expecting a lot from me. I just think I’m not good enough, okay? And he doesn’t get that or even see it that way. 

I didn’t know they were going to have visitors until the mom told me while I was eating breakfast. Well, you know, we were talking and then she mentioned it. Then finally, they came and I felt like I was not needed so I went upstairs to my love’s bedroom, hang out a little, then the mom called me to eat lunch with them. I sat at the table with them, but didn’t really talk to them. I helped my love’s lola get some food because she can’t get up anymore, that’s about it. After lunch, I played with my puppy (whom they love very much because she’s just really soft and a cutie. When I’m around, they expect the puppy to be with me too.) I was too shy to talk to the visitors, because I for one is already a visitor too, but they’re all related. I saw the mom talking to this little boy, so I sat down with them while the three of us were playing with my puppy. The next thing you know, she peed 3 times everywhere so I cleaned after her and at the same played with her too. And then the next thing you know, I was stuck, well like locked up in a conversation with the little boy. This little boy is very talkative and doesn’t get mad like the other kids. He’s very polite and not demanding. He just talked about random things and I would go along with him while we both played with my puppy. He’s a little sick. I was just talking to him, he became silent, then five minutes later, we noticed that the little boy fell asleep by the stairs where he was sitting down when we were talking. He fell asleep quickly because he’s a kid and a little sick. Poor boy.

And so that’s how my hanging out with them turned out. HAHA. Pretty stressful to me.


3 hours in the car

It was finally my day off, but it was my boyfriend’s “Monday”. I drove an hour to be exact from my place to where my boyfriend lives last night (it’s about 70miles, driving 80mph! slowed down to 70mph when there were cops around), only to realize that I forgot the gate remote and dad’s key in my purse! I used both because I don’t have a remote (it’s expensive!) I usually use the code box, but it didn’t work so I couldn’t take my car out. So I used my dad’s key, opened his car and got the gate remote, put both things in my bag because I didn’t want to go back up again since I was going to be late to work. I got back home from work, put my bags in my trunk, left the city and went to the high deserts. My dad was calling me, but I didn’t pick up thinking that he wanted me to drop off my sister at work when I was already far. Then my boyfriend called me saying my sister was calling him about the ID in my dad’s car. I completely forgot about the remote and key! As soon as I got to my boyfriend’s house, we used his sports car and drove back to my place, which is another hour away. I dropped off the key and remote, and drove right back, another hour. My boyfriend was tired, I was tired, because I literally travelled 3 hours.. sitting 3 hours straight. The last hour seemed forever. It was around 1am when we got back to his place. I didn’t even bother eating dinner. I didn’t have lunch either. We both knocked out as soon as we hit the bed. Stupid me.

I’m not religious

My parents are Catholic and that makes me one too. I grew up going to church, learning all the prayers and rituals. I was even in a private catholic school in the Philippines from kindergarten until 4th grade, La Consolacion College-Kalookan. When my mom died, we didn’t go to church as much as we did when my mom was still alive, until eventually we just stopped, but I’d pray every night. When we moved here in the US, my step mom made us go once in awhile. And then it just died down too. But I would still pray every night before I go to sleep.

Yesterday, was one of the most weirdest and awkward situation I’ve ever been so far this year. I have never been into a group praying even in the Philippines, where it’s very common for the oldies. You know when the oldies gather and pray in someone’s house. I never knew why they would do that, and I’d see it in Filipino horror movies, it gives that creepy feeling while watching it lol.

So, my boyfriend’s mom wanted to do some praying. They have a decent altar in their house with Jesus,Santo Niino, crosses and Mama Mary figurines. I told him, Why do we have to pray? I believe praying is when you want to, not when you’re forced. Because his mom just said suddenly that we were going to pray and I only wanted to other things with him. He said, What’s wrong with group praying? I said, I don’t know. I’m just not into that kind of stuff. I pray when I want to. And so we all gathered, his cousins, aunts, grandpa, grandmas, his bro and parents. His mom was the “leader” so she led us with praying. They even have booklets of prayers, readings and songs in it. The first thing we did was sang that Ave Maria song. There were giggling and snorting and smiling around because it was just funny at first. Then we went on with the praying and the reading. Then the song Hail Mary, Gentle Woman, that song is actually nice. It is very soothing… And finally to the part where you tell Mama Mary all your problems and stuff.. the atmosphere became serious.. we were praying for their family members who are sick.. you’d hear sniffles and crying out of nowhere.. I didn’t know what to do.. At first, I was like, okay.. they really are lost, aren’t they? they really want mama mary’s help.. even my boyfriend became teary eyed and I was becoming teary eyed too just because they were doing it., but I told myself, you’re being too sensitive. you don’t even know them that well.. why are you feeling that way for them? be strong. don’t cry.  Finally, it ended and the relatives left, and we went to sleep.

Indeed, I have become too soft.. My step mom, my mom is still not back home from the rehab center. She is still recovering from her sickness… We just want her home..